The title for my post may seem strange to some, but I figured there isn’t a better way to begin than with my first reaction after God gave me the idea to lead a Christmas outreach for Mainstream Orlando this winter season. Of course I was excited to dive into this new project, but as quickly as the excitement came, so did the nerves — and I mean a lot of them. Questions like: “Who’s going to come,” “What organization will I partner with,” and “Why me, God,” began to camp in my mind. Instantly I was discouraged. Isn’t it funny how we think God, the Creator of all things, can make mistakes sometimes? Clearly I was not qualified to lead an outreach since I didn’t know the first thing about it. I didn’t possess the confidence it takes to talk to organizations. I wasn’t even an intern for Mainstream Orlando yet. Who would take me seriously or trust that I could do this thing? Clearly God made a mistake telling me to do it — right?!
At least, that’s what the enemy wanted me to believe. In order for me to continue playing it safe in my walk with Christ, and trust in him for only the basic things in life like shelter, food, and water, the dream I had hidden in my heart for years now could never come into existence. The enemy didn’t want me to have faith that God could use my life in a way I couldn’t even imagine. He wanted me to let that opportunity go so that my trust in God for provision for this outreach wouldn’t grow. He wanted me to sit on the sidelines of my own life. You want to know the craziest thing? I almost let him.
As long as I can remember I have always struggled with having confidence in myself. The only time I remember not feeling average was when I won twenty dollars from my eighth grade English teacher for receiving a 6 on the writing portion of the FCAT (it’s no wonder I became an English Literature Major). So you can imagine how I felt after I presented the idea for the Christmas outreach and was told, “I like it! Now start researching and calling organizations ASAP since December is two months away.” Obviously I knew I would be the one contacting people, but knowing an outcome of something before it happens doesn’t make it better. I don’t care what anyone says, it just doesn’t. So I found myself relieved that the idea was liked and approved, but at the same time anxious because it meant the outreach was actually happening. It was no longer just a dream. It was a reality.
Remember how earlier I thought God was making a mistake by telling me to lead the outreach? You want to know how he told me to stop my doubting and get a move on with it? Basically, the short answer is this,
“God is not human that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not
fulfill?” (Numbers 23:19).
God made this verse come to life for me during this season of new challenges and trusting because he didn’t just throw me out into this project without equipping me first. As a first year Voice intern my responsibilities bucket (I don’t know why it’s a bucket, just roll with it) began to grow immensely. I was given task after task because for some reason (obviously God) they trusted me to get it done. So with each task given and completed, my level of confidence began to grow. It wasn’t until the Voice Conference where God whispered to me the words “be confident” where I realized most of the tasks given to me were leadership roles. They were tasks that I had to coordinate, contact strangers, and lead people by myself. Have you caught on yet? If not, let me break it down some more.
Months before the outreach was to take place God was equipping me prior to my biggest leadership opportunity to date. He was teaching me how to rely on him and not on myself. He was widening my faith and I didn’t even know it. He was showing me how to work with and get along with others because he knew I would need the help in leading a successful outreach (shout out to Isabelle Garcia and the whole Outreach Track team). He was teaching me humility because asking for donations takes guts.
My perfect, no-mistakes God was showing me how much he loves not only me, but 30+ middle and high school students who needed to feel wanted for a night. You see, this outreach was never about me. It was God’s way in showing these students that even though their earthly parents abandoned them, he would never forsake them. It was a way to reveal who Jesus Christ is and I was simply a vessel. So maybe you’re like me and have an idea, but you are afraid to take the first steps. As this year comes to a close, I encourage you to earnestly ask God for his confidence to reside in you. Psalm 37:4 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” So don’t worry about all the “what if’s,” lean on God and watch him move.