Growing up I was always a lady’s man. Not that I could get any girl I wanted but more so that I needed to be dating someone. Looking back I think this was an identity thing more so than actually looking for “the one.” I wanted to be associated with someone because I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up . So instead of being the future lawyer or the future pastor, I associated myself as this person’s boyfriend. In this I messed up a lot. How could I love someone or believe in someone when clearly I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be doing with my life?
At the time I could easily fake how much I loved someone but I more than likely didn’t because if I couldn’t even love myself I can’t love anyone else. I would talk the talk but every relationship I had ended because of my sub par ability to actually give what that person needed in the relationship. I mimicked what I would see on television or in real life but I didn’t know how to make it genuine because I didn’t know how to be myself.
Years later, God began to ask me to do something that was harder than what I thought it would be. God asked me to stay single for a year. I said I could do that because I didn’t think much of it, but in that year I didn’t know who I was and I had to find myself and re-invent myself.
God began to speak to me in different ways. God showed me that first of all my identity was in Christ and not the latest BAE. I also learned that no matter how much I got from the words of others, as far as affirmation went; I would never fully feel like I was loved and that affirmation could only come from God himself. There would be countless moments where I would need someone saying something nice about me to get me through the week or the day or anything; but in reality I could find a flaw in the comment or the compliment. If a person told me I was smart, I would bring up an anecdote in which my brain failed me and prove that if I was smart that would have never happened. If a girl told me I was cute I would tell her she probably thought every guy was cute or that she thinks Ryan Gosling is cuter. Although I don’t believe I am at Ryan Gosling’s level, I would find the flaws in anything said about me because I couldn’t believe that anything good could come from me.
The year I decided to be single I found affirmation in God and it is the best affirmation you can find. God’s words will never fail you and knowing that the creator of the universe is looking at you and calls you loved, called, anointed and blessed; kind of leaves you in a state of appreciation that is interchangeable. I’ve learned it’s also kind of hard to argue those affirmations with the one whose created me. I learned to be myself. My true self. It was the most rewarding year of my life so far. I continue to rely on God and I go to him when I need to remember what I was created for and who I was created by.