Well Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Whether you’re going out with your boo or having a night with the girls/guys (ME), I hope you have an amazing time. Don’t judge by the title. I promise it’s not going to be all negative. This is just an open and honest conversation, from me to you, on being single. I’m actually thankful for my singleness (It took a lot of prayers and A LOT of revelations to get to this moment lol), but there are some sucky moments if I’m being real. This is just the disclaimer, so let’s start this off right!

Recently, it’s been on my heart to write about being single. It’s not usually a topic that I like to discuss because it’s not necessarily something that I want. Being in a relationship, having a husband, having a family, these are all things that I hope to have one day. So from my standpoint, being single doesn’t really feel like part of the plan. As I get older though, I’m realizing how much life changes. We joke about how in high school we had our lives planned out. I know I sure did! I was going to be dating someone for a year or two, get married by 24/25 (the latest), and wait 3-4 years to have kids. As I approach the ripe old age of 23 (LOL), I realize that I can’t even fathom being married anytime soon. Oh! How things have changed. But we were young. We’re supposed to dream big, and then life knocks us around a little and we pick ourselves back up and re-adjust. Okay, so I know what you’re thinking:

1. You’re so young! You have plenty of time for that later!
2. You’re so great, I don’t know why you’re single.
3. You don’t need a man to be happy.

I know these are things people say that are supposed to make us feel better, but they don’t. Please just stop (lol). I know that I’m young and I still have time. I know that I’m great and no, I don’t know why I’m single. Yes, I know I don’t need a man to make me happy. Believe me, I am happy! Life is difficult sometimes, but it’s not because I’m single. It’s because sometimes life is just difficult. I am okay/good/awesome/all of the above, but I want to make known that it is okay to not be okay with being single.

I wanted to know if others around me felt the same way. I don’t think it’s something we talk about a lot; whether we feel embarrassed or weak for wanting to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, we live in a generation where we act like we have it all together. Don’t worry, I’m the same way! I hate being vulnerable as much as the next person. But, the more conversations I have, I realize that sometimes you just need to be vulnerable. Sooooo I decided to ask my friends what they felt was the most difficult thing about being single and what was the most important lesson they’ve learned from it. 

Some of the difficulties included:

• Hanging on to hope even though it feels like everyone else is finding love
• Wanting to go on those cute dates
• Asking yourself hard questions (like if something is wrong with you)
• Having all this love that you want to give to someone
• Feeling like your value is diminished

And the list goes on… We all have our low moments and we’ve all felt this way at one time or another. But because of our singleness, I can say we all learned about ourselves.

Stating the difficulties are to let you know that you aren’t alone in how you feel, but the lessons are what I want you to take away from this. The lesson to love yourself and put yourself first. The lesson of being comfortable being alone and getting to know yourself. The lesson of not needing validation from anyone because you know who you are. The lesson of not missing out on things because you feel you need someone to share it with. The lesson of finding yourself without the influence of another half.

Not only have I learned about myself, I have learned from others experiences. My mom always taught me to observe my surroundings and the relationships of others. I am a firm believer that you don’t have to make your own mistakes to learn from them. I take from the good and bad times of the couples around me so I know what I’m looking for. 

If you want to be in a relationship, if that is a desire that you have, that’s okay. That’s why all of the things that people say to help, doesn’t help us because it doesn’t change our desire. Where the problem lies is if you’re letting it hold you back. No more saving outfits in your closet for future dates or stopping yourself from doing things because you don’t have a man/woman to do them with. Being single has taught me a lot. I’ve had the privilege of being single during some of the most pivotal moments of my life. Not a lot of people get that opportunity. When you are by yourself, you get to know yourself really well. It can be scary, but I think it’s a crucial part of growing up.

 My friend said it best…

“The love that I have for myself will make me a better partner to someone whenever I do get in a relationship.”

Being single sucks and you’re not alone in feeling that way. There is no quick fix to being single, but your perspective can be the difference between you feeling lonely versus you feeling confident being alone. DO YOU BOO! Learn about yourself, buy yourself flowers, travel, climb the corporate ladder, set your expectations high. I know for me personally, there are low moments in being single, but I believe in a God that has my best interest at heart. And though my expectations are high, I know that His are set higher. In the meantime, I’ll keep my confidence in Christ and keep walking in my purpose. In risk of sounding like the cliche people I bashed before: I know that I will look back at these moments and be thankful for the faith that I’ve built and the lessons I’ve learned.

From being single defining us to redefining what it means to be single.

Makeda Farrell