In an effort to be transparent, I’ll start by telling you that I didn’t wait. I became the person who went to youth group and church on Sundays, but gave my boyfriend the privileges only a husband should have. Am I the only one who felt like Paul in Romans 7:15-20?
“I do not understand what I do.For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.For I know that good itself does not dwell in me,that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 7:15-20
But the truth is that as real as this passage is, I used it as an excuse. I opened doors that should never have been opened and used society and its norms as a perfect excuse for exercising my brokeness. I struggled within. Why did God require waiting, purity and a holy lifestyle? As far as I knew, most people around me lived to satisfy their needs and seemed to be doing just fine.I gave in,at first the holy spirit cried out… it was loud and present and time and time again I ignored it and chose myself and my desires. With time, I became numb to the situation, I didn’t have to give myself as many excuses because eventually these actions became habits. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it. This went on for too long, and in turn, it has cost me a lot of pain and suffering.
“O daughters of Jerusalem, I adjure you: Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right.”- Song of Solomon 8:4
Well it’s been a few years since this battle in my heart and mind but I’ll tell you that I’m still reaping the consequences of my choices. I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 10 years. We both claimed to know Jesus but acted in a manner that was very far from the example He sets out for us. After many years in this relationship he asked to marry me and I said yes. We were married for a year and I’m very sad to say that Im now in the process of a divorce. I stayed until the only option was for me to go. I don’t believe in divorce and so I did everything in my power to avoid it. Believe me when I say I never thought I’d be going through this.
But this is my reality… and this is the truth I know deep down in my spirit.. if I would have only tuned in with God, if I would have communicated, if I had not kept him at a distance, Im convinced my life would look different. Im convinced he would have encouraged me to wait on him. I knew I wasn’t created to be in a relationship that encouraged me to live without my creator and yet I ignored it, I decided to choose my own path and not follow Gods will for my life. I’m embarrassed to say that before I walked down the aisle I had a very strong knowing that I was making the wrong choice and yet, I went through with it.Since then, God has graciously worked in me and although i’m not the same person, i’m still in the healing process and what a process it’s been.
When I realized there was no other way to live my life but to walk alongside God and follow His will for my life, I entered into a season of discipline, getting out of my comfort zone, and with all that also came the waiting. In his patience and unrelenting love, God has continued to guide me into learning to wait on him and his promises. Waiting on God has allowed me to better understand myself and in return it has caused me to grow an insatiable need to be in relationship with Him. The more I learn about me, the more I realize that yes, most parts of me are broken, but also He is ever so present in me. I can’t deny that He’s working in me and the truth He is speaking over my life.
In the waiting I have found that in my imperfection, I’m perfectly loved by a perfect father. In the waiting I have found that His grace is more than sufficient and that the plans He has for me are for good.In the waiting, I have found who God says I am, not who I think I should be, others think I am or say that I am. In the waiting He is transforming what I know about relationships and love. In the waiting, I have come face to face with my weaknesses, and have felt unconditionally loved by my creator. In the waiting, I have found joy, the kind of joy that confuses some around me, because a woman going through what I’m going through couldn’t possibly have that much joy. It just doesn’t make sense. In the waiting, I have found peace beyond my understanding. In the waiting, I have found God, He met me here and He has always been there and He wont ever leave.
Please, I encourage you to wait. I know that what I’m asking is hard but I hope my experiences allows you to see a glimpse into what living without God as the center of it all truly looks like. Don’t let it get to the point where your choices lead you far away from God. Don’t entertain. If you give a little of what you shouldn’t, eventually and with time(maybe even sooner than you think) you’ll give it all away and you weren’t meant to give it all away to any one other than God. Waiting is tough and uncomfortable. As hard as it is, I’m convinced that waiting any time(even 10 years) in God, instead of entertaining people or things that lead you away from Him, is always always the right choice. It took years, heart break, and a lot of dealing with my pain for me to come to this conclusion and I hope for you the process is a lot faster.
I pray wherever you are you find the courage and strength to wait.And I pray that in the waiting you find your creator, He’s waiting for you and He won’t ever leave you.